★Welcome to the Chaos★
A publication for humans who live life (which I assume you are).
I'm glad you’re here living it.
So what exactly is Courageous Chaos?
And why should you subscribe?
With a free subscription, you will encounter truths and wisdom about addiction & sobriety, emotional abuse, mental health, grief & loss, adoption trauma, and the reawaking of identity from my personal experiences while incorporating life-changing skills to build a life worth living.
As a gracious paid subscriber, you will also receive:
The Soundtrack of My Life - Sharing songs and the stories behind them that moved me through suffering, serendipitous change, and love.
My Flutterwords: A look inside the mind of a Borderline. My raw, unedited thoughts as I navigate the journey to recovery.
Misanthropic views on society are also included for your temperamental pleasure.
My mind is unmethodical and widespread with thoughts, so I have broken the Chaos into sections based on the topics I write about so they can easily be found or subscribed to individually so you receive only the topics you are most interested in reading.
Alcoholism & Addiction Recovery
Mental Health & Borderline Personality Disorder
Grief & Loss
Adoption & Identity
Society
Flutterwords - My Untamed Thoughts
The Soundtrack of My Life - Sharing Music & its Impact
If you want to know more about me on a personal level and why I write about what I do, visit my About page. I’ve been told I’m kind of interesting.
Chaos is defined as complete disorder and confusion. Often, one would immediately think of the destruction left by a ravaging storm or the breakout of a riot fueled by passion and purpose, but this same chaos can erupt unexpectedly in the recesses of our own minds for the same metaphorical reasons, leaving us feeling alone and lost in the world.
But we are not alone.
I started Courageous Chaos for that exact reason.
The hardest words I have ever had to say are, “I am not okay”.
I am a survivor of life’s mind fucks. An emotional mercenary picking up the former pieces of myself through reflections on sobriety, mental health, emotional trauma, and identity. It’s about filling the negative spaces with words that pulsate perseverance.
Through my words of sorrow, I hope you find amity. Through my words of reparative discovery, I hope you find adaptive strategies. And I hope you find the emotional validation you desire and deserve because it’s okay not to be okay sometimes.
You’re human. We’re all human. And humans are inherently flawed. No one is exempt from being damaged by life and your damage does not define you. It’s how we restore ourselves in the outcomes that develop that determines who we are.
──•~❉᯽❉~•──
Courageous Chaos will also be the place where I will share updates on the progress of my debut book,
“Beyond the Shakes”
which will detail the terrifying and sinister detoxification process that my husband endured when we put the bottle down together.
It is a story that demands the attention of anyone impacted by alcoholism.
The book will tell a story of a mental interruption so menacing and frightening that you may never want to smell booze ever again. It will tell the story of the reality of it, the things that no one ever talks about. The quiet things that no one knows.
Good morning Amanda! I’m sorry to hear that life is scary and random for you. The scary things in life are conquerable, so keep that fighting spirit that is inside you as you navigate the randomness. Randomness itself is not always a bad thing, so don’t drudge yourself down in that. A lack of pattern in life can open doors to opportunity and allow time to observe the beautiful differences in the world around you and accept that life is unpredictable. There is strength in that acceptance. It will teach you to let go of expectations while adapting and growing through random experiences... and never forget that each encounter with randomness is a learning experience. Whether good or bad, the universe is teaching you something you need to know, though it may be hard to realize in the moment. It’s all about paying attention 🖤
The adoption. Your lover. I am terribly sorry that the impact of something meant to be beautiful has become a place of darkness and grief. Please ensure them, they are not alone. The unfortunate reality is that our adoption system is fatefully flawed. I was very lucky to be placed with an incredible family who gave me love, opportunity, and the freedom to express myself, but I know that many adoptees do not have this experience. Regardless of how the adoption came to be, or the result of the adoption was positive or negative, all of us adoptees have something in common... a deep desire for connection and a fear of abandonment, both of which take a lot of self-reflection and support. Keep being supportive even if you can’t always understand. You won’t and that’s okay, just listen when they need an ear and validate that what they’re feeling is normal. Help them realize that being an adoptee is not a reflection of their own character or importance of existence. They were given life and have a purpose in being here like everyone else.
My organic identity, I.e. my original birth certificate is also locked away in a file somewhere. I have never been given the right to obtain it, but there is hope. Laws are changing and adoptees are fighting for the right to know themselves. Each state has their own laws, but they should be able to petition the court if they know where they were born. It can be a process of paperwork, working around any non-disclosure agreements that may have been put in place, etc., but it would be worth it for answers that could change a life. I have been through this process, but not knowing much, petitioned the wrong county court. The silver lining is that the judge DID grant my request.
My adoption took place in MN. A change in laws that will be in effect as of July 2024 will release my adoption records to me regardless of my birth parents wishes at the time of the closed adoption. My hope is that all adoptees will have this opportunity to know themselves or even just know a name. A lot can be learned with a name 🖤
I am more than happy to answer any questions should they choose to petition the courts. The right to know themselves is their right.
Take care, dear and find the beauty in the randomness 🖤
My life is very scary and random. I have a lover that is adopted, and he has tried to get info for almost 30 years with no success. It has always been a mental hardship.and at times triggered suicide attempts. The gov has data and keeps it hidden. It is a terrible situation.. you have a similar experience ? Amanda