The Power of Congratulations
Does not have the effect you may intend for a recovering addict
What is the first thing you think of to say to an addict who has reached a milestone in their recovery?
“Congratulations” probably comes to mind. For lack of anything better to say, it’s likely the first thing that would come out of your mouth if you didn’t have time to think of anything else. It makes sense to you to say it because as far as you comprehend, forward progress against a ferocious disturbance like addiction is victorious, is it not?
On the one-year mark of my and my husband’s sobriety, we were invited over to his parent's house for dinner. They made it seem nonchalant, just a family dinner with us and all the kids, nothing deviating from the norm. Dinner turned to celebration as a cake was brought to the table with the word “congratulations” written in bright blue, his mom’s eyes welling with tears as she spoke of how proud she was.
The kids each took turns expressing their sentiments on our sobriety as well, relaying the comfort it brings them to have us fully present and able to authentically participate in their lives. We hadn’t felt as though we had not been, they are all incredibly active kids and we never missed a game, meet, or any other activities they engaged in. Where we had often failed them was in spending true quality time as a family instead of being withdrawn, preoccupied, and immersed in our bottles of vodka and cans of beer.
We all cried that night. Everyone’s words were touching, intended to be motivating while highlighting our achievement in reaching a year of abstinence and it also demonstrated their support for our straightedge longevity, but internally, they had no idea that their words also hurt, although to no fault of their own.
It’s never clear if someone who is a recovering alcoholic wants to hear the word, “congratulations” regarding their sobriety.
Whether it comes when the realization is finally made that they are indeed, an alcoholic who has decided to get help, they’re one month sober, two years sober, or any day in between, an alcoholic is never going to feel that they are where they want to be in their recovery because, to them, recovery doesn’t have an end date.
For the alcoholic, “congratulations” may sound more like, “I’m so glad you’re not a stupid drunk anymore”, or, “Remember what an asshole you were before you quit drinking?”. It may remind them of all the times they fucked up, hurt others, made poor decisions, or said things they didn’t mean and they might even feel undeserving.
Forgiving oneself for behavior during periods of alcoholism can be an incredibly challenging and complex process for many in recovery. The remorse and guilt that often accompany memories can weigh heavily on the mind and contribute to feelings of shame and self-blame. Throughout the journey of recovery, healing these wounds and learning to forgive oneself requires time, self-reflection, and a supportive environment. It involves acknowledging past mistakes and taking responsibility for one’s actions while understanding that their addiction was a contributing factor.
Words have power and this is where “congratulations” becomes a double-edged sword.
The word itself has valuable intentions, asserting evident feelings of delight for someone’s success or accomplishments. This intention is acknowledged by us, the recovering addicts, but we may not process that intention as hoped for, very similar to how trauma victims may not process information and outward stimuli with a pragmatic approach.
Through the preliminary stages of recovery, addicts need time to learn and identify their triggers, develop coping mechanisms, make amends to those they have hurt, and focus on rebuilding their lives with healthier patterns of behavior.
It is also imperative to remember that for recovering alcoholics, hearing secondhand information from others about their actions while intoxicated and events they may not remember can be incredibly challenging. It serves as a painful reminder of their past struggles with overindulgence and the repercussions it had on their lives. The difficulty lies in trying to reconcile their current sober self with the person they were when under the influence. A simple, well-intended “congratulations” may seem to them like a harbinger of bygone inebriated episodes.
Loved ones need to be sensitive to this sharing of disparaging recollections until the time is right while also understanding that the right time may never come.
My husband’s detox was sinister.
Hallucinations of gunmen, housefires, intruders, and spiders covering his body were his reality for 4 days. Despite attempts with sleeping aids, Benadryl, and physical calming tactics, he did not sleep through any of it. Nor did I. Desperation lead us to admit him to our local Crisis Center, but even they couldn’t handle his delusions. As he began to believe the walls of the building were collapsing, putting everyone in imminent danger, they quickly transported him by ambulance to the emergency room. An anti-psychotic medication was administered as a last resort so he could finally sleep away the end of his nightmare. I wasn’t even sure he would wake from it and spent the nights beside him on a cot vigilantly listening to the sounds of his monitors.
His father and I still have videos on our phones of some of these hallucinations. We intended to someday share them with him, showing him the severity of his withdrawal as an avoidance tactic, but even after 4–½ years, we have never disclosed them. It is still inconceivable to him how he slipped so far from reality and his vague retrospection of those days haunts him. He has made immense strides in his mental recovery, so we remain tender-hearted to the fact that they may have a corroding effect on his progress. “Congratulations! You went completely bat-shit crazy, remember that?”
Of course, we do laugh at some things now, but many are still painful.
Instead of solely focusing on the negative consequences of addiction while in recovery, it should be approached with open and non-judgmental communication to create a safe space to discuss and process these recollections. To change how those recollections are communicated, it’s important to shift the focus from blame or criticism to understanding and empathy while providing specific examples of positive changes that have been witnessed in the person’s behavior since becoming sober.
There is nothing wrong with sharing emotions and appreciatory sentiments with the afflicted, but should be done so while emphasizing belief in the person’s growth and recovery to help foster a sense of validation and encouragement of their transformation. Highlighting the progress made rather than dwelling on the past becomes an opportunity for personal evolution and a chance for the recovering alcoholic to reinforce their commitment to their journey.
An unadulterated “Congratulations”, unfortunately, does not reinforce this in the mind of a recovery addict.
If you are the addict reading this,
you may or may not agree with my stance on a mere word. Maybe it does bring you the warm fuzzies needed to successfully achieve sobriety, but if you have internally responded to this word with an unfavorable reaction as many of us do, you do hold a responsibility to yourself in situations where lack of a better word can be found. Be accommodating to the fact that those who speak it are trying to encourage you, not remind you of the past.
I know you’re struggling, but there is hope. You are loved for all that you are and have been. Your addiction does not define you nor does the word, “congratulations” if you don’t feel you are where you want to be in recovery. Everyone needs help sometimes and I am proud of you for learning from your mistakes. I am not going to say I know how you feel because my recovery, my husband’s recovery, and yours are not the same, but that does not mean you are alone.
