Remembering Who I am Through the Waves of Time
Riding Out the Storm of Adversity and Loss of Self
As the waves of life come and go, it’s easy to get washed away in the ebb and flow of the tides. Depending on the intensity and nature of the motion, the perpetual, yet unpredictable surges can sweep us away in the vastness of existence with a loss of direction. We can become stagnant like the motionless water of the estuaries, each day resemblant of the next. Or, as storms roll in and the seas become rough, we can find ourselves propelled by the rip current into the expansive and sometimes insufferable unknown.
In either set of circumstances, we become wayward and lose our direction. It becomes a challenge to determine which undercurrent will lead to progression out of the situation, or we will surely drown. The manner in which we came to be in these situations can make us lose sight of our power to push forward and find landmarks that identify who we are, or solid ground as a liberation from treading water and having lost our way.
We must remain buoyant through these times, while having faith that our defining moments of the past and anticipations of the future become a beacon of light as we stay afloat in the present. We must also remain grateful that we still hover on the surface, no matter how frightening the unknown may be, for it is that gratitude and resilience that will save us.
The Storm that Brought Me here…
was turbulent and I’ve been floating on the waves ever since. I have been alone and frightened in an unrelenting sea. On occasion, I have wanted to succumb to the abyss of the void, but I know that solid ground is in front of me, no matter how distant it seems. I have helped to save others from the whirlpools that swirl impetuously to rock bottom, but have only treaded water myself.
The memories of the storm keep me paralyzed, unable to find my way to the calm waters of time gone by or see the sparking gleam of hope impressed in every sun ray that hits the waters holding me now. No one can save me except myself.
I have hung tightly to my life vest, which has kept me afloat on the expanse of water surrounding me, but I am unable to fully grasp the safety it promises, despite how it has been with me through every crash of lightning and thunder. It does not care that I am heavy with encumbering doldrums, although it becomes burdensome at times. I lament how my incumbency is a hardship and worry that it will one day let me go, tired of keeping me suspended. I am grateful for my life vest.
As I float, the waves whisk me back and forth, compelling me to navigate through the fluctuations of consciousness and discover enlightenment within every vibration and echo.
I am resting on merciful waters;
reflecting in its spectacle and thinking back to the woman I was before the storm, spirited and tenacious, perceiving life as an adventure.
The traveler who once flew over these seas in search of experience and knowledge in the other ways of the world. My Gypsy soul sang as I consumed the diversity of cultures and walked the lands of those who came hundreds and thousands of years before me. My spirit awakened by the antiquity of bygone days, the history of its people, and the philosophies of their forbearers, illuminating the force of human evolution without losing sight of the past.
That woman is still me, I have evolved as time demands, and must too, not lose sight of the significance of this past. It is a part of who I am.
The young, carefree lover of life who found the essence of existing in the hum of the city, the music of the clubs, and the sharing of experiences with others, each of them as significant to my life as the next. In the company of humanity, I learned about good and evil, intentions and intuition, and the kind of people I wanted to keep in my life. I learned that life is unjust, yet forgiving, and that adversity could be overcome.
That young woman is also still me and each of those people are also a part of me as they unwittingly influenced my life in a myriad of ways. I must also forgive and not lose sight of how this adversity can too be overcome.
The mother who found purpose in her children and cherished them as gifts from the universe. They taught me to look at life with a different perspective, to treasure the simple moments, and always say I love you. In their eyes, I saw myself, the only beings in my life who shared a biological connection with me, my own organic history unknown. They unveiled a solemn request of forgiveness from my birth mother, understanding now the difficult choice she made for my life in letting me go. They taught me how to love on a different level that is pure and pardoning.
I am still that mother though my kids are now grown. They are the legacy of my mystery and my inspiration to be the most beautiful unsolved puzzle I can be. I must accept my missing pieces and rejoice in the perfectly imperfect open spaces. They are mine for the filling and I must not forget that they are a fascinating element in the idyllic landscape of who I am.
The storm did not take any of that from me. It couldn’t.
Even the most violent of cloudbursts and windstorms cannot destroy the structure of my being. It tattered me and weakened me, devastated me, disoriented me, and tested my will to survive, but it did not eliminate me or erase the footprint of my life… and I have a lot more impressions to leave behind.
I embrace my reliable life vest and look out to the uninterrupted space where the waves continue to flow ashore, making ripples of shimmering progress in the effervescence of the sun. They land gently and are inviting me to do the same. The storm is over, they tell me, it’s time to stop treading water and start making those footprints on land once again. Everything I love is waiting for me there. The foundation of my redevelopment is already laid.
It’s only a matter of time.